Is EMDR Supposed to Take This Long? A Message for Clients with Complex Trauma

Written By Melissa Chana

Why We Can’t Rush EMDR:

By Melissa Chana, Trauma-Informed Counselor & Coach

If you’re living with complex trauma, especially from childhood, you may have already tried talk therapy, CBT, or other healing methods. Maybe you’re hoping that EMDR will be the breakthrough. And it can be, but not by rushing into the hard stuff.

Let’s talk about why going slow is actually the fastest way to heal when you have deep, layered trauma.

First, What Is EMDR?

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It helps people process painful memories and experiences using bilateral stimulation (like eye movements or tapping) while focusing on the memory and beliefs. For many, it can help release stored trauma and bring relief.

But for people with complex trauma - especially those with childhood neglect, abuse, abandonment, or attachment wounds, jumping straight into traumatic memories can be overwhelming, confusing, and even retraumatizing.

Complex Trauma Is Not Just “Big T” Trauma

If you grew up:

  • Walking on eggshells around a caregiver

  • Taking care of others instead of being cared for

  • Feeling unseen, rejected, or unsafe

  • Experiencing ongoing emotional, verbal, or physical abuse

Then you’ve likely developed survival strategies that are still active in your nervous system today. That’s what makes your trauma complex not just one event, but a lifetime of invisible wounds.

Why EMDR Must Go Slow with Complex Trauma

1. Your Nervous System Needs to Feel Safe First

If you were hurt when you were small and powerless, your body learned to stay on high alert. That alert system doesn’t just turn off because you’re in therapy. It needs time to learn that it's finally safe.

In EMDR, we call this resourcing and stabilization, building your inner tools to help you feel grounded and supported when big emotions rise.

2. You Need to Recognize Activation

"Activation" means when your body starts to feel anxious, shut down, overwhelmed, or on edge. With complex trauma, many people have been activated for so long they don’t even notice it anymore, it feels normal.

But before we start reprocessing trauma, you need to:

  • Learn what early activation feels like for you

  • Notice when you’re shifting into a trauma state

  • Know how to come back to safety

3. You Need to Be Able to Shift States Without Help

When big emotions hit, can you soothe yourself in a healthy way?

I will teach you how to:

  • Use EFT tapping, breathing, or visualizations to calm down

  • Create a “safe place” in your mind to retreat to

  • Practice nervous system regulation tools

If you can’t do that yet, that’s OK. It just means we stay in the preparation phase until you can. That’s not failure that’s wisdom. Sometimes phase 2 can take months, and it takes time to feel safe with a new person.

4. We Need Consent from Your Inner Protectors

Yes, I said protectors.

Inside of you are parts that don’t want you to go back to that pain. These parts have helped you survive by avoiding, numbing, or controlling. They’re not bad, they’re protective.

But if we start trauma processing without their permission, it can lead to shutdown, panic, or emotional flooding.

In our work together, we’ll gently get to know and honor your protective parts, helping them feel safe enough to allow healing to begin. We’ll integrate IFS (Internal Family Systems) parts work into your EMDR therapy, ensuring that each part feels supported before moving forward.

What Happens If You Go Too Fast in EMDR?

  • You may feel emotionally overwhelmed or dysregulated after sessions

  • You could leave therapy feeling flooded, confused, or ashamed

  • You might begin avoiding sessions or withdraw from the therapeutic process

  • New symptoms, such as nightmares or heightened anxiety, can emerge

  • Trauma may rewire in a way that reinforces fear or avoidance, rather than promoting integration and healing, and none of that is what you deserve after such complex trauma. Give yourself time and make sure your EMDR therapist is too.

What Happens When YOU Go Slow?

  • Your body starts to feel safe for the first time

  • Your parts begin to trust that healing is possible

  • You build real tools to regulate your emotions

  • You become empowered, not retraumatized

  • And eventually, yes - we’ll be able to process the hard memories when you’re truly ready

Healing Is Not a Race, It’s a Relationship

With yourself. With your body. With your past. With your future.

If you’ve been carrying pain alone for decades, a few extra months of gentle preparation isn't a delay, it's part of the miracle.

I’m not here to push you. I’m here to walk with you. Contact me today for a free 15 minute consult.

Melissa Chana

I’m a trauma-informed counselor and coach who helps high-achieving individuals heal the deeper roots of anxiety, burnout, and emotional overwhelm. My work focuses on helping clients regulate their nervous system, uncover unconscious beliefs, and create lasting change from the inside out.

Through a blend of trauma-informed counseling techniques and transformational coaching tools, I guide clients toward greater clarity, confidence, and freedom. I do this by addressing the patterns that traditional talk therapy often misses—working at the level of the body, the subconscious, and the belief systems that quietly shape our lives.

If you’ve tried therapy, read the books, and still feel stuck in the same emotional cycles, my approach is designed for you. This is deep work for those who are ready to move forward with clarity, intention, and a new sense of self.

https://www.therapizeyourself.com
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